In which I find myself needing to change.

Gosh, I really feel like I've been slacking on the blog front recently. I mean, I've posted but I haven't really felt like I've been really present?! I just had 2 weeks off from work and I was definitely at my most productive within those 2 weeks off. Now I'm back to work, as you may or may not know, I work for London Underground and my shifts are ALL OVER THE PLACE. I mean, so I really struggle to find time to write my posts. 

I thought I'd post something a little more personal; I'm going through a total life overhaul at the moment. I went to a photoshoot a couple of weeks ago where I had these photos taken: 

So these photos were taken at The Factory in Covent Garden; I'd gotten a Wowcher for a photoshoot and I've never had professional photos taken before so I thought it'd be worth a shot. As much as I enjoyed the whole experience, I wasn't overly thrilled with how I looked in the photos afterwards. This had nothing to do with the photographers or make-up lady, I just felt like I'd lost myself. 

I looked at the photos and it became clear to me how I'd put on so much weight in the past 2 years. All I can say really is that I finally realised that it was time for a change. I've spent god knows how long using junk food as a way of making myself feel better when things were bad. I'd end up planning my days around what take-away I'd buy at work or when I got home from work and this would make up most of my days. I definitely have an emotional attachment to food, particularly junk food, and it wasn't until these photos were shown back to me, how I'd let it affect me. 

Please don't get me wrong, I am VERY body positive. I think all women are absolutely beautiful, especially all body types. Yet somehow, I don't feel comfortable with mine and for me, my solution now is if I can't feel comfortable in my body, then I'm going to work hard and make sure I damn well will feel at peace with how I look. I believe that all women - and men - should be able to live with their bodies how they WANT TO and be free of criticism. I've decided that I cannot sit around any longer and allow myself to continue living an unhealthy lifestyle and actually do something to change it.  

I posted this photo on my twitter a while back and I realised I'm not sure if I've put it in a blog! I believe that if I have this same body when I'm eating healthy and maintaining an active lifestyle, then I would love it more. However, I know I am overweight (12 stone 5lb to be precise) because I have lead a very unhealthy lifestyle and I am so willing to admit that. 

I'm now exercising at least 3 times a week and my diet has become very healthy. I've started drinking around 2 litres of water a day and I cannot believe how much my skin has cleared up! I'm now almost 3 weeks in and I'm already feeling better about myself. 

It's not easy though, obviously. Imagine trying to change years and years of bad habits? it feels impossible! I think about chocolate and bread and crisps all the time and you know instead of cutting them out, I'm eating healthy versions of them. 

I think that every single person in this world should be allowed to be the person that they want to be, if they are not hurting or offending other people. If someone wants to eat junk food, then they should damn well be allowed to be; skinny or fat, our bodies are none of other peoples concern. I wish I felt comfortable that way but I don't so I want to continue to work to boost myself esteem. 

I hope you all don't mind if I share more of my weight loss journey on this blog along the way, as I find documenting it helps me. 

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xo

This is who I am | *may contain odd swear words

Nope, I'm not wearing make-up, no my hair is not done and yes I look messy! This is me; this is my body and I AM beach ready.

For years, and it's still ongoing, I've been suffering with very low self-esteem. I rarely find much to love about myself and my body. I'm not classically beautiful, I know that and I struggle to deal with it. I've been between a size 10 and 16 for most of my life. Most recently, a 14-16. All of my weight is around my stomach and hips and none ever found it's way to my boobs, so I don't really count as a classically "beautiful" curvy girl either, I don't have the boobs every person seems to think every plus size girl has! I understand I'm on the smaller end of the plus sized scale, but I am sick and tired of hearing people tell me to lose weight. 

But. I'm not here to write about my body hang-ups. I'm here to write positive words. No one really wants to hear or read somebody talking bad about themselves. As much as I often dislike what I see in the mirror, I know one thing for sure: I am beautiful. Deep down inside, underneath all of that anger and resentment I hold for myself, I know. Which is why I get so fucking angry that we live in a world that tears us down for our bodies. It's like, I can say bad things about myself (even though I definitely shouldn't) but as soon as somebody else, especially if that somebody else is in the form of an aggressive advert (most likely dreamt up by a 30 year old white fuckboy), I go from 0-100 defending myself reeeeeeal quick. 

I work on the Underground so I was seeing so much of those awful Protein World adverts. At first, I wasn't bothered; it was like I was desensitized into the whole "healthy, fit bodies look like this" malarky, and so I didn't think much of it. However, the more I saw those adverts, the more annoyed I got. Essentially what the adverts boil down to is this: they ask passing women  "Are you beach body ready?" whilst presenting those women with a *clearly* photoshopped slim model with images of their weight loss products next to the model. It's basic maths. What they're basically saying is: "Oh. you're not "beach body ready?" well you better take these fucking weight loss pills and meal replacement shakes until you look like this digitally altered woman!"  It doesn't take a genius to work out that this is what they meant. Aside from the fact that I'm pretty sure those products aren't healthy for you (in fact I have friends that have used them and have said they work out and have made better progress without them), it's rather worrying that companies like these only have one view of what a fit, healthy person is. I am SURROUNDED by people in my life that are definitely fit, and healthy and don't look like the people we see in advert. I'm talking both male and female. Adverts like Protein World's, they couldn't give a care in the world about your health or fitness, they just want to prey on your insecurities and make money off of it. 

So here I am, Sarah Russell 23 year old woman, at 12 stone 6, this is my body. This is what I look like on a beach. I'm not ashamed and I'm not going to hide myself away because people in this life are so small minded as to what 'beauty' should look like. Sure, I'd like to lose some weight - but that's my OWN business and nobody else's. 

I've been following the #WeAreTheThey campaign started by Debz - it's been so inspiring seeing all of these wonderful and beautiful women come out of their shells and stand up and say "this is who we are and we're not going away" - I'm so chuffed. Beauty has no size and each persons health or fitness, is just that - the person's business. 

Bikini by Primark from about 2 years ago.